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Bonjour, konnichiwa y halo to you all! I've been inactive...again. Sorry, sorry (I promised I'd write, too...). Things have been pretty crazy for me this past week or so. My Halloween costume is still being made and Halloween is only a couple of days away. And, I have works things to stress myself out about and this other thing that's only kinda work-related that I'm freaking out about and don't know why. Mucho freakingout-ness. Seriously. Anyway, the stress has been making me sleep more and that keeps me from keeping in touch with my lovely dA life.
I feel like I'm getting worse at work but people keep praising me for things. Weird. I've gotten awfully slow and there seems to be no reason for it. I'm not even wondering what to do about it, it's not like I'll get fired for something so temporary and seemingly unnoticeable. ...Right? Yay, paranoia...how I've missed you, old friend. Other than that, I'm getting along well with some of my co-workers and I'm enjoying my work day almost every day. That's good, right?
The Halloween thing: I'm convinced my father is dying so I've been Druid-ing for a couple of weeks. That, and Halloween is the only time of year I get to be religious without being treated like a freak. But, seriously, I've been wearing jewelry and howling and petting my plants and telling everybody how Scottish I am (it's getting on everyone's nerves) for a while now. I'll be glad when, on November 2nd I'll feel like I've done my ancestors well enough to go back to normal. It'll feel great and I'll be able to stop making Druid Triads of Power all the time.
I keep forgetting, am I allowed to have friends? It's getting to be that way and I haven't the foggiest what to do. I'm not medicated, whatever friendships I cultivate now will be put into jeopardy either by a) my impending nervous breakdown or by b) them thinking that I'm acting really weird once I do go back on the medication. It's so frustrating having my entire personality be temporary no matter what situation I'm in. How will I act tomorrow? Or, the next day? Or, next year? I really can't guess at any of those questions. The day before yesterday I had complete tunnel vision and focused entirely on my self to the point where I forgot other people were there. Will that be happening more often? I feel bad for people who try to get to know me in any way. It never turns out well.
Other than constant stress and maybe depression I think I'm OK. My job is doing a good enough job of distracting me to keep me from completely falling off the edge. Dude, I'm completely stoked for Halloween! My costume is gorgeous and the accessories don't look nearly as terrible as I thought they did. I also have a new goal in my heart; moving back to Honolulu as soon as possible so I can see the glowing lanterns on every Memorial Day weekend from now on and so I can be with my boyfriend. I know it's stupid but, watching the lanterns in the water at Ala Moana Beach Park with all those strangers and hearing the gentle Hawaiian music...there's really no place or time in the world I love more. I also really miss being able to shop for anime merchandise at 3 AM without a car and with dozens of other people out doing the exact same thing. Hells, yes! New goal good but voice acting kinda gets left in the dust. And, I'll probably change my mind because of that simple little fact. That, and I'll never be rich enough. I don't know why my boyfriend (for whom I have yet to come up with a code name) is so stubborn, I keep asking him to move here but he keeps saying that things cannot possibly be as cheap here as I say they are. Men are weird, I'm beginning to think. Bis bald, buy bonds.
I feel like I'm getting worse at work but people keep praising me for things. Weird. I've gotten awfully slow and there seems to be no reason for it. I'm not even wondering what to do about it, it's not like I'll get fired for something so temporary and seemingly unnoticeable. ...Right? Yay, paranoia...how I've missed you, old friend. Other than that, I'm getting along well with some of my co-workers and I'm enjoying my work day almost every day. That's good, right?
The Halloween thing: I'm convinced my father is dying so I've been Druid-ing for a couple of weeks. That, and Halloween is the only time of year I get to be religious without being treated like a freak. But, seriously, I've been wearing jewelry and howling and petting my plants and telling everybody how Scottish I am (it's getting on everyone's nerves) for a while now. I'll be glad when, on November 2nd I'll feel like I've done my ancestors well enough to go back to normal. It'll feel great and I'll be able to stop making Druid Triads of Power all the time.
I keep forgetting, am I allowed to have friends? It's getting to be that way and I haven't the foggiest what to do. I'm not medicated, whatever friendships I cultivate now will be put into jeopardy either by a) my impending nervous breakdown or by b) them thinking that I'm acting really weird once I do go back on the medication. It's so frustrating having my entire personality be temporary no matter what situation I'm in. How will I act tomorrow? Or, the next day? Or, next year? I really can't guess at any of those questions. The day before yesterday I had complete tunnel vision and focused entirely on my self to the point where I forgot other people were there. Will that be happening more often? I feel bad for people who try to get to know me in any way. It never turns out well.
Other than constant stress and maybe depression I think I'm OK. My job is doing a good enough job of distracting me to keep me from completely falling off the edge. Dude, I'm completely stoked for Halloween! My costume is gorgeous and the accessories don't look nearly as terrible as I thought they did. I also have a new goal in my heart; moving back to Honolulu as soon as possible so I can see the glowing lanterns on every Memorial Day weekend from now on and so I can be with my boyfriend. I know it's stupid but, watching the lanterns in the water at Ala Moana Beach Park with all those strangers and hearing the gentle Hawaiian music...there's really no place or time in the world I love more. I also really miss being able to shop for anime merchandise at 3 AM without a car and with dozens of other people out doing the exact same thing. Hells, yes! New goal good but voice acting kinda gets left in the dust. And, I'll probably change my mind because of that simple little fact. That, and I'll never be rich enough. I don't know why my boyfriend (for whom I have yet to come up with a code name) is so stubborn, I keep asking him to move here but he keeps saying that things cannot possibly be as cheap here as I say they are. Men are weird, I'm beginning to think. Bis bald, buy bonds.
A Dream Discarded
For years now, I've had a not-so-secret goal: to become a pilot. From the first time I flew to working for two years at an international airport, I've always had this skittish fascination with how the aircraft work. I've always also been very safety-conscious whether its flight safety or simple retail work safety and I've also seen what happens when safety is disregarded. That was another major factor in me saving to go to flight school: stupid people shouldn't fly planes and if I were to take a seat in a cockpit from a stupid person it'd be safer. That may sound bitchy but that was always my thought process when an airliner went down in Perm because the captain was drunk and the first officer incapable of flying that particular aircraft in that particular composition even in a simulator. I know what some people are thinking; they're thinking "But you're mentally ill!". I am but not in any way that would or should keep me from piloting aircraft, even commercially. I have Major
The Tale of Bonnie
Merry Saturday aka Christmas. But, I'm a Neo-Druid, so today is just Saturday to me. Yup. I worked about six days in a row and have to work another five days in a row again after today. I'm tired but not complaining. I know my hours will be cut back before too long. Not complaining about that either. I'm tired but nothin' I can't handle. I have a goiter. My current PCP was kinda shocked that I'd never been scanned for one before since I have Hypothyroidism. She ordered the scans, I got 'em. I have a goiter pressing on my carotid artery on the left, causing asymmetrical pulse. Weird, huh? But I'm fine. My goiter isn't even visible. Must be tiny. Tiny but annoying. In other news, I've worked at the same place for more than 3 months now. That hasn't happened since before the pandemic hit. It's a pretty great feeling. I don't make that much money and I work with a bunch of people who treat me like I'm made of fine China. But it's nice. It's a good job. I'm also the resident bird expert.
Mania? Check
I feel like I've been manic for weeks! I actually ran outta meds more than a month ago and I haven't been able to get into the doctor to get more until tomorrow. I know, right? Florida healthcare. What're ya gonna do? Anyway, I apologize if this behavior has been rearing its ugly head, even online. Anyway, tomorrow I shall be vindicated! Er, medicated! Yeah... Still no job to go along with my mental health but I remain hopeful. Why? 'Cause I'm stupid. Ain't nobody gonna hire anybody in FL right now! We're dying! Ahh! I'm not. Been fully vaccinated. But, I spent the whole day looking at job boards and the only places that are hiring are healthcare facilities and Disney. I live too far away from there and have no money to move. I'm stuck in Melbourne, shiftless. What else is new? In the meantime, I'm rich with wildlife in my area these days. Just today, I saw a cat bend in half in his sleep, a curious snake, a bruiser of a raccoon and a cooperative cicada. I don't get to the park as
Vacation of Stupidity!
I'm on a vacation. I didn't go anywhere, though. What do people call that? A stay-cation? Okay, I'm on stay-cation then. Why? Oh, because I had to discontinue my anti-depressant and I got fired. Yeah. Again. Warning, long story alert! Okay, so I was working at a pretty great, high-paying job. My brother joked that it was a sweatshop but it actually was really nice. A coupla weeks into this great job, I was out on my break taking photos because the retention pond had a baby gator in it. I didn't find the baby but I saw some plants I wanted to look at. While I was hovering over this little plant, I wondered where the baby gator was and hoped it hadn't been eaten by a wader. Then 20 minutes of nothing; no thoughts or memories. The first thing I remember after worrying about the gator was burning stinging on my right hand. I came to (I'd passed out) because fire ants were biting me. I sat up and looked around to get my bearings before looking at the time on my phone. I'd lost 20
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