My Dearest Mother



~You lie silent there before me
your tears, they mean nothing to me
the wind howling at the window
the love you never gave
I give to you~





      As I stood on the window sill with the wind whipping my hair about, I closed my eyes. I hate so and yet I hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. No, that’s not true. I knew exactly how to do it. I still, to this day, wonder why I hesitated. I was going to show her how much I “loved” her through my actions and I had no regrets. A lack of conscience has its advantages. Slowly, I made my way to the floor and waited in the darkness. It was time. A smile crept across my face as I thought of the sin soon to come.





~Really don’t deserve it
but now there’s nothing you can do
so sleep in your only memory
of me
my dearest mother~





      My smile widened when I heard footsteps approaching. Suddenly my pulse quickened and for a minute I was confused. Was I nervous? I shouldn’t have been nervous. I was getting exactly what I wanted and hadn’t given it a second thought. Then it hit me, I was excited. Nothing had ever excited me this much before. It felt like an agonizingly long wait even though it was only about five minutes. I heard the footsteps stop and walked into the light provided by torches mounted on the walls. She saw me as soon as I stepped into the light. She gasped as soon as she saw me but didn’t say anything. She really didn’t deserve it but that’s what made it so exciting.





~Here’s a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don’t feel enough for you to cry
Oh well
here’s a lullaby to close your eyes
good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye~





      I stared directly into her eyes and walked towards her. As I came closer she started backing away towards the stairs. It was too perfect. She was setting herself up for disaster. I decided that I would honor her with a few words first.


“Hello mother. Do you know who I am?” I waited for a response but all she did was let out little frightened gasps every now and then and stare at me like I was a ghost. I didn’t feel the need to say anything else as long as she wasn’t going to respond. All I did was walk closer and watch her step backwards, even closer to the stairs. If she had taken even one more step back she would’ve fallen down the stairs. I wouldn’t let her fall…her manner of death was to be my decision.





~So insignificant
sleeping dormant deep inside of me
are you hiding away lost
under the sewers
maybe flying high in the clouds
perhaps you’re happy without me
so many seeds have been sown in the field
and who could sprout up so blessedly
if I had died
I would have never felt sad at all
you will not hear me say I’m sorry
where is the light
wonder if it’s weeping somewhere~





      I knew it was time. I wasn’t going to toy with her any longer. There were no second thoughts. I hated her. That’s all there was to it. She needed to die. I needed to kill her. Her fear made the encounter even more exciting. She was too afraid to even speak. Did she know who I was? Did she know what was coming? None of this mattered. She would die now, I decided. I reached behind my back and was about to remove one of the six spears to do her in but I decided against it. I was planning to impale her and throw her down the stairs but where’s the fun in that? Quickly, I decided on another manner of death for her and looked into her eyes one final time. Then I pushed her in one swift motion and she began to lose her balance. She tried to grab onto me but I stepped back, just out of her reach. Finally, she fell back and tumbled down the stairs.





      As she fell I could hear her bones breaking. I watched every moment of it, reveling in the pained noises that came out of her mouth, in the horrified look on her face. Nothing beats murdering the subject of your hatred and then watching her die slowly and painfully. I had to wait for her body to hit the landing but with as much as I enjoyed watching her fall it felt like it lasted not nearly long enough. She stopped tumbling all too soon and her body hit the foot of the stairs.




~Here's a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry
Oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye~





      I smiled again and slowly made my way down the stairs. I stopped and gazed at her shuddering, limp form on the floor and closed my eyes for a moment. I wanted her to know exactly how I felt about her. She had to know how much I hated her.


“Do you have any idea how much I hate you, stupid woman? I will never forgive you.” My tone was calm as I said it. I’d expected my voice to sound angry and full of hatred so it came as somewhat of a shock.





      I finished walking down the stairs and readied two spears. I wanted to hear her scream in agony and know that I was the one bringing her pain. She tried to move her head so she could look at me but she was too weak. Slowly, I picked her up with my free hand until her feet dangled above the floor. Her eyes weren’t pleading for me to stop or looking as though she wanted me to kill her. They were cold and unexpressive. I’d hoped she would look at me like a frightened animal but I decided the look she was really giving me was close enough. I dug one of the spears into the stone floor and tightened my grip on the other one. In one quick movement I impaled her stomach with the spear and pushed it back until the spear was firmly placed inside the wall. She was still alive. I saw to that. The woman hung on that spear like a marionette with no one to pull its strings. Her eyes still held no expression as she hung there.




~Here's a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry
Oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye~





      I removed the second spear from the flooring and stabbed it through her right shoulder. She tried to moan but it sounded more like a retch. I gazed upon her for what felt like hours but in reality it couldn’t have been more than two minutes. She finally looked like the frightened animal she was and it brought a smile to my face. I realized that there wasn’t nearly enough blood in the room. I needed to smell it in the air. I wanted the scent to be so strong and thick that I could taste it in no matter where I went in that building. I also felt the need to take something from her and I knew exactly what it was.





      I took two more spears from my back and held one in each hand. As she finally tried to speak I took the spears and sliced her across the chest, tearing it open so the heart was visible. Blood started pouring out of her and I closed my eyes, losing myself in the scent. I dropped the spears on the floor, out of my field of vision and reached inside her chest. Carefully, I grabbed onto the heart and looked at the pathetic thing before me.


“I love you.” I said kindly with my hand still in her chest.





~Here’s a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye
It was always you that I despised
I don’t feel enough for you to cry
Oh well
Here’s a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye~





      I tightened my grip on the organ before twisting it and ripping it out. She was completely lifeless afterward even if she hadn't died yet. I gazed at her eyes one final time and they seemed to stare straight into my soul. Her life had faded from her. She was definitely dead. I’d done exactly what I wanted but the excitement faded far too soon. I laughed, shook my head and walked back up the stairs. I reached the window I had made my entrance from and jumped out into the cold air. I looked down at my hand and realized that it was covered in blood from the heart it was holding. I held it higher to see the entirety of the organ and a gust came from the north, covering my hand in snowflakes so the blood and heart were no longer visible. After sighing, I ventured out onto the snow covered hill far away from the house and never looked back.





~Here's a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry
Oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes
Good-bye~






~Good-bye
Good-bye
Good-bye~